in my Cozy COFFEE NOOK...

COFFEE MOMENTS

2011-02-11T12:39:00.019+08:00

I used to think that coffee is a beverage just for old people. And what I meant with old was.. well, people about my age now (ouch!). I always see my mom drinking her coffee but forbade us to have one because, according to her, it's not good for the kids. She cannot give me a legit reason except for the half-truth that coffee would turn me into a nervous wreck. And I grew up thinking that coffee is bad, categorizing it to things like cigarette or liquor. I even actually thought that coffee was the most boring (!!) drink ever.

Hubby and I wasn't born coffee lovers. The only time we have coffee in the house was when my mother-in-law or my mom would come for a visit. But my hubby and I? We'd prefer soda. So, I don't exactly remember how we started drinking coffee, and in fact, loving it. Whenever or however it happened that it became part of our morning rituals, I really forgot. All I remember now are the nights hubby and I spend chatting with a cup/mug of coffee clasped in our hands. Somehow, coffee makes a conversation light and free-flowing. With coffee in our throats, we don't end up arguing! (grin!!). Moments like this is worth remembering for our retirement days! We'd both savor these memories while sipping a hot, rich cappuccino ... A love story and a cup of coffee.

photo credit

LETTER TO A FIRST BORN

2011-01-26T13:16:00.021+08:00

My daughter is, at this moment, attending a 2-day seminar on Character Formation. Their school's way to prepare them for highschool. Her adviser asked the parents to write messages for the kids. But it's supposed to be a secret for the meantime. Denise is clueless about it until she is asked to read it before the class. I'm posting the original letter which was written from my own point of view and experience. But in the letter I gave to the adviser, I had to change the I to WE so as to include hubby. I'm not the only parent here after all. 
 !3B<2Fi>

DENISE,

Long before we became parents, your dad and I have envisioned the child we wish to have. It's amazing how God answers prayers, because looking at you now, yougre amost exactly the child that we relentlessly asked from the Sacred Heart. A beautiful, intelligent daughter for our first born.

Being a first time parent to a first born did not come so easy. I guess at one point I might have harmed your very fragile self-esteem everytime I push you to my own standard of "perfection". For imposing you to always do good especially with your studies. I plead guilty. Parents tend to mold their children according to their image and likeness. I guess we have to be reminded.. we are not gods(this line I borrowed from my old post).But through time, I am learning. That goes the same  with your dad. 

You're growing up so fast! Soon enough, you'll be a teener. It's a long, overwhelming phase of changes. Alterations. Confusions. A lot of growing up pains and joys that might leave you bewildered, and sometimes feeling all on your own. Rest assured that we'll be here for you. Being a friend and a parent are equally important this time. And we pray that God may give us wisdom to know when to be a friend or when to be a parent to you.  Or at times, both.

You always ask me what career path I think is suited for you. And I always answer, "I-pray mo lagi sa diyos". We may be your parents, but we don't know  all the answers. So I refer you to the One who knows everything. Always seek for God. Always seek for His wisdom. The three of us.. God, your dad and I will  be here to guide you. In every undertaking, we'll support you all through out..

We love you always.

MY PERSONAL LEGEND

2011-01-13T15:32:00.024+08:00

I am currently reading the book "The Alchemist" authored by Paulo Coelho. One of the sublime books ever written. It captures the whole of me when I'm reading it, I can finish it in one sitting. But something hits me everytime I leaf a page, so I pause everytime. I pause and ponder for another realization. Or pause and say "true true" everytime a line or a phrase echoes my own conviction of truth. Or pause to reminisce when the boy in the book is going through similar situations I have gone through. So maybe it will take me awhile before I can finish it!

The book makes me think a lot of my own personal legend.

What is my personal legend?

I'm not so much of a big dreamer. But when I'm into something, I put my heart and soul into it until it rends me into pieces. Most of the pains that left me with permanent scars came from following my dreams. But at times I believe there's something greater than me out there that dreams for me. It dictates the path I have to tread . It conceptualizes the person I have to be. So I need not dream anymore. All I need is just follow... or wait. Somehow, somewhere along the line it rings true. Or maybe I'm just talking about fate. Anyway, I decided not to stop dreaming. But there must be signs along the road to lead me, because not all dreams are my personal legend. And I have to know which one is mine.

The book (The Alchemist) mentions about OMENS.. "Because we have to respond to omens", said the boy to the crystal merchant... I believe that something greater than me out there gives signs. And the universe will conspire to show me my personal legend. But first I have to follow and respond to omens. And I will know which one is mine.

RUSTIC vs RUSTY

2011-01-11T18:36:00.004+08:00

Did I say what ?

I was being true to my words. My writing has gone RUSTY!

After re-reading my previous post, I had to change rustic to rusty. Hay... Can't believe my luck (hehehe..)

photo credit

COMING HOME

2011-01-10T15:25:00.007+08:00

The thought of traveling as far as Bicol is dreadful. Well, for me who's been dealing with a post-traumatic stress everyday of my life. Maybe going back to the home I know is a natural longing, and I'd do it in whatever way. So I was home! Traveling that far was something quite unthinkable. That's the farthest I've gone since my accident. I guess I was generally okay during the trip. My daughter's presence somehow was a comfort. But when we reached the long stretch of Quirino Hi-Way, traces of vehicular accidents appeared from left and right. I was weak on my knees looking at them. I wanted to look away but I did not. Hoping that if I stare back at an enemy it would go. It was like a trip to hell for me. My sole weapon was prayer and always is everyday I travel from house to work. And it never fails. I arrived Naga and traveled back to Manila in one piece! Weee!!

I think it's all about coming home for me now. I'm back blogging in the coffee-nook I always call my sanctuary. Yes, I decided to stay and keep it. It will need some renovations, I know. But why would I give up that easy when I know I haven't gotten the better that it can still give out? And oh, my writing has gone rusty . I'll have to work on it.

photo credit
photo credit

My Little Coffee Nook

2010-09-20T13:13:00.008+08:00

To my Little COFFEE NOOK,

I guess you don't have the right name. All along, you don't emanate that cozy feel of a coffee nook. I'm supposed to feel warm from a cup of coffee shared with friends. But having been empty for almost a year, you actually feel so cold now. You are lifeless. And with these SPAM comments/messages constantly visiting you ( I'm clueless how you got them), they are like termites slowly eating you up!.. So what do I do with you now? Do I pack up and go to another place to start anew? Or do I pick up where we left off, hoping maybe we could still get back that fiery feeling together?... Meanwhile, I'll stir a cup of coffee while thinking it over.

Stormy stormy night

2009-11-04T12:03:00.013+08:00

Four weeks in a row of being threatened by typhoon, I hope Santi would be the last to enter the country for this year. But PAGASA doesn't give such false pag-asa. It says another storm would enter come December. Storm in Christmas! I dread the thought. And I dread heavy rains lately. We're fortunate enough we weren't directly affected by the deluge caused by Ondoy. But I fear for the flood victims. I am a rain lover and I'll always be. But with the damage that it has caused many people, it's something that I don't wish for at the moment. Well, I can tolerate a drizzle. A shower. Or maybe a downpour. Rains can come in different forms and I love them all AS LONG AS it's not destructive.

I always love rain as far as I can remember. Storms included (sometimes). Well, I had my childhood in a place where storms are part of life. Bicol is at the side of the Pacific Ocean you see, so storms are our constant uninvited guests. Should I blame it on them that I so love the rain? I practically grew up with them!

There was one Undas I went for a vacation back home, tagging along with me my then boyfriend, now my hubby. While we were enjoying the festive mood in the cemetery, it started to rain. We were totally clueless about the storm that was coming. Maybe we were having so much fun, we didn't care. Storm came that night and really strong. My boyfriend (then) , looking a little horrified, asked me "Bat ganon ang tunog ng hangin?". The wind was fierce and making a violent whirling sound. "Wala ba nyan sa Maynila?", I asked back. "Wala. Sa pelikula ko lang yan naririnig!". He cracked me up! Just to find out the next day that it was no way a laughing matter. Mabolo Bridge collapsed. There were floods and landslides, and the roads going to Manila were totally not passable. We were stranded for days.

Last saturday, it was another Undas (bisperas) and another storm in the metro. The wind was making a whirling sound. Hubby blurted out "Lakas ng tunog ng hangin. Sa pelikula ko lang naririnig yan". "Hay naku, narinig ko na rin yan", I said. Now after several years, we can laugh it out. Suddenly it's a good memory.

photo credit

attempting to write

2009-10-27T11:46:00.007+08:00
I know, I've been a bad blogger. I never would want to use the word BUSY as a reason. I believe I can always make time if I will. I've had added workloads this year though. Half the time computing and calculating. And when my brains do the math very often, I forget how it is to flirt with words.

One more legit reason?...
How legit is that?... This is taking most of my time in the world wide web. I've been so hooked with my farm! Virtual it may be, but I've taken care of this parcel like for real. But then I guess "farming" makes me a lousy blogger. It wanders me off from weaving and knitting sentences. phrases. paragraphs.

Only lately that I have felt the burning passion to write again. Burning and flaming, I refuse to ignore. In my heart I really love to write. So I hope this burning stays awhile.

ANOTHER HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

2009-09-01T12:25:00.010+08:00

This post is a month late.

Last month, I celebrated my birthday. Although I kept silent when it came, it's the most significant of all my birthdays. My brother sent me a text message on my birthday. He wrote: "May this day remind you how much God loves you for allowing you to celebrate another birthday"... Indeed. I've never been this grateful. When I met an accident, I was given a second lease on life. And celebrating another birthday, I consider a milestone.
I re-read the post that I wrote for my b-day last year. Nothing much has changed since then. Still struggling with vanity. Still keeping a tight grip of the remaining youth that is left of me. But there's one noteworthy thing that has happened. I now welcome the gift of old age. When the signs of aging start to manifest in me physically, I wouldn't mind anymore. Because then, that means I'm still alive. Having faced before death has made me value the winter of time.
So, wrinkles and gray hair, bring them on! But still, I hope, not too soon (grin!). But when they come a little sooner, again I say, I really don't mind anymore. Because by then I'll make sure I have the inside beauty flourished over time. And that's what only matters.

THE GREATEST INFLUENCE OF MY LIFE (cont..)

2009-06-22T10:26:00.014+08:00
(cont...)

I am a mirror of my daddy. We may have lost him quite early in life but he has left his values and principles imbued in my being.

He was temperamental. It worsened after his first major stroke. Though his illness made him a little like an angry man sometimes, he never lost his passionate self. He was very passionate about things. He had this child-like enthusiasm. I guess, that's what made him very loveable... I have his temper. But mine is much more tamed. Most of all, I have his passion. It's my passionate self that makes me enjoy life more than other people can!

He was very passionate about christmas. He would play christmas songs as early as September 1. Set our christmas tree in October. He loved christmas season so much!... I play christmas songs as early as July. Decorate our house of christmas ornaments in October. We both LOVE and feel giddy about anything christmasy!

He would read out VERY loud to practice his diction in english. So engrossed and sometimes appearing a little silly... I did the same, but I hope not as silly as he was! Now, I owe him my proper diction in english.

He loved reading books. He loved movies. um, almost addicted to movies... I love reading. Not only books but also magazines, websites, etc. I love movies. But no, not as addicted as he was.

He loved pets! Cats, dogs, birds, pigs (yes, pigs!). Name it. He would speak to them like human beings. We had this piglet named Wiggy. Daddy would stroll Wiggy around our subdivision complete with leash and a bow tie around her neck. Really, an embarassment to our family, hehehe. Poor Wiggy. Daddy must have confused her, "Am I a dog? Oink."... I was a pet lover. Though we don't have dogs at home right now, but I already have a handful of lovely pets. My hubby and my two kids.

He was very prayerful. When he was still alive, we would pray the rosary at night. We would attend mass every sunday. He had a picture of the Sacred Heart of Jesus that he put under his pillow. Clasp it in his hands and pray before and after he sleeps... I am prayerful like him.

He valued education. He was my first teacher... One day, mommy announced that we had to transfer to a less expensive school (with a less quality of education) due to financial struggles after daddy's major stroke. We were all crying. Daddy was quiet but stood his ground. He decided that we continue studying at the best school in the city whatever the cost... I value education. Could it be a proof that I have attained my master's degree? Sometimes I contemplate on pursuing a phd.

He was prideful. His pride can really get foolish sometimes. Like, he refused to use connections when he can (to go up the ladder of his career). Sobra sa pride o kulang sa diskarte? Depends on how you look at it. (Mommy was the opposite. She used connection , my dad's relative, to get a high paying and prestigious job in court which made us surpass poverty)... I am corrupted with pride. And it can really get foolish sometimes.

He was a music lover. He had a very high standard in music. Very classy. Our house was filled of his lovely music especially during weekends. The only baduy song that I heard him playing in our stereo was the song "Gulong ng Palad" by Nora Aunor. I saw him crying. He didn't know I was peeping. That was after he had a major stroke and the doctors advised him to have an early retirement. I cried with him too, just silently inside our bedroom... I am a music lover. We (my siblings) used to hate his music. But now that we're all grown up, we began to love the same music that dad used to play. How we wish daddy stayed a little longer to see us fully grown and loving most of the things he loved.

He was a great guitarist. He can play guitar like a professional! He was part of a band playing in clubs during their spare time. Spare time would be weekends.. During fiesta, his old time friends and relatives would gather around in our house. Two guys would play violin. Another would play maracas. Another, a bajo. And daddy would be one of the guitarists. An orchestra in our own backyard! We were the happiest (and maybe the most envied) house in the neighborhood. When daddy died, his friends would still come during fiesta. They would play their instruments for old time's sake. But they would just end up crying and missing my dad... In this part, I failed to emulate my dad. But if I still could, I'd love to learn to play one musical instrument.. Daddy was dissappointed in us, his kids. No one of us got interested to play guitar while the kids of other parents would willingly ask him for a guitar lesson. And willingly, he would with no charge. When daddy died, I tried to learn playing guitar on my own. But to no avail.

Wherever you are daddy, happy father's day! You've done a good job raising us. And.. have I told I love you?

THE GREATEST INFLUENCE OF MY LIFE

2009-06-22T09:06:00.009+08:00

It's important to be there for our children during their formative years. Tread a path where they should go. Infuse good values in them. Set good examples for them to emulate. As parents, we are given this amazing "power" to shapen up delicate human beings. But let's be very responsible and be very careful. For the kind of persons that we've molded our children, they will most probably be when they grow up.

The person who's been consistently there during my formative years was my father. My dad is my greatest influence (and that's also true to my siblings). He died when I was 13 years old. But my memory about him is crystal clear up to now. We adore him. My mom would sometimes get unreasonably jealous because we're (my siblings) all praises about him while she was seemingly unnappreciated. But of course that's not true... (I have a quite vague memory about my mom when I was young. She must have skipped out that phase in my life. I just woke up one day already a grown up suddenly with my mom beside me, not as my mother but more as my friend. Mommy got married at a very young age of 18. Daddy was more than a decade older than her. While we were growing up, my mother was still a growing child herself. Maybe we were a little too much to handle for her then. So, she would always pass on the disciplining to my dad.)

Daddy was VERY strict. A disciplinarian.. and sometimes to a fault. We were like scaredy cats when he's angry. He spanks REAL hard. We must have prayed so hard for God to save our butts! Oh, he's no way an ideal father. But then we adore him very much. We're all praises about him. Sometimes I would wonder why when he had many resentful ways. I'm not sure but I think I know one reason why. Parents tend to appear invincible before their children to admire. Give their children a false impression that they're an ideal parent (or person). Then we feel kind of betrayed when we realize one day that they're just full of imperfections.. It wasn't like that with my dad. We've seen in him the bad and ugly. The good and the beautiful. All the human frailties in him! So, that made us compassionate about his imperfections, instead. And made us admire him at the same time.

Daddy is the greatest influence of my life. I have acquired his ways. I have grown to be much like him.

RELATIONSHIPS and TRYING TIMES

2009-06-16T14:29:00.009+08:00

How can you figure out a genuine relationship? One way of knowing is through trying times.

I have been through crossroads the latter part of last year (and how scary can it get). Recently, I had an accident that made me hit pit bottom. And during these trying times in my life, somehow some of my relationships have been tried and tested too.

When I cried SOS, who came running for rescue? Or even when I was silent, who came anyway and despite the distance or busy schedules (because genuine relationships know when you need someone and they would readily extend themselves to be that someone for you)?

One thing I learned about tragedy. It looms clearly to you which of your relationships are unfeigned and which are little less so. Yes, few of them might have disappointed me, but I try not to take it against them because sometime in my life I have disappointed people too... Only this time, I learned to really EXPECT LESS.

SOME UNFEIGNED RELATIONSHIPS ....

with mommy ---
Moms will be moms no matter what. The most reliable of all. She will come for me, invited or not. Others may desert me, but she will stick it out with me.

with hubby ---
A person who is not my blood but has loved me with all his heart. True to his vow, he's there for me for better or worse. In twelve years of marriage, he did not give me reason to doubt his love. But this is the time that he manifested it so utterly. He sacrificed for me and stood by me. He makes me feel so blessed. I love him so so much and even more.

with God ---
Many times I don't understand His ways that I even sent Him "hate letters" a couple of times before. Maybe He will not stop instilling great lessons (and sometimes the hard way) into my stubborn mind. Maybe because He simply loves me. Or I don't know. Basta, I'll just continue on with my pilgrimage. And when in doubt, let me just remember that God's foolishness is much greater than man's wisdom.

CAME THE SMASH

2009-06-16T09:28:00.005+08:00

(cont...)
We were smashed right onto the creek. I was in panic of drowning but we were submerged only a little half-way (One more reason to be thankful for. I could have been half-way dead by then) . Blood was everywhere. There was this woman beside me all blooded on her face. Really a scary sight. Apparently, I did not feel any pain and I was not wounded. But as I tried to get up, my left arm did not move. I held it close to me making sure that I still have it. It's clinging in my body, still very much a part of me. Except that it cannot feel anything.

Rescue came. One guy reached out to me and grabbed my arms. Suddenly, a sharp pain in my left arm. Sharp, excruciating pain!

My left arm was fractured. I was operated for an implant. Right now I'm still recuperating from the operation. I will be starting my therapy today. And hopefully soon enough I can do without my arm sling already.

before the operation

after the operation

Yeah, I'm typing with my right hand.

p.s.
Nobody died from the accident. Maybe some of them are okay now. Some are still recuperating like me. But what's important, we're all alive and enjoying our second life. Thank you Lord and cheers to life!

ONE FATEFUL DAY

2009-06-08T13:23:00.015+08:00
A was riding a jeepney one fateful day.

The driver readied to go as the red light turned to green. As we were about to cross the highway, a ten-wheeler truck from the other side of the road was accelerating and really fast, bumped and dragged us for I don't know how long. Everything went so fast, but the anticipation of where and how we would smash was a long wait. My mind was running just as fast. Thinking for survival .. for life, death, and my family. But first thing I did was to save my soul. I asked God to forgive all my sins and asked to take me with Him if I have to die that very moment.

It seemed silent. No one screaming. Just groaning and moaning from the passengers hurting. And from my voice saying "Jesus save us" over and over again.

(TO BE CONTINUED)...

sorry, can't continue now. can't bear the bad memories.. the fears and pain (or is it sadness?) that i was not even aware it's there, still... until i wrote it.

I FEEL BEACHY!

2009-04-22T14:29:00.007+08:00

STAIRWAY TO THE BEACH...

I was part of the team that conducted an ocular inspection at the Batangas beaches for our company sportsfest. We were looking for the best, most affordable beach that can accomodate 570+ employees. Here's some chosen photos I got from our beach hopping!

Cute Blogger Award

2009-03-31T08:04:00.018+08:00

I got tagged by Tani (Thanks Tani! And sorry, it took me so long!)

As recipient of this award,
1. Each blogger must post these rules.
2. Each blogger starts with ten random facts/habits about themselves.
3. Bloggers that are tagged need to write ten facts about themselves. You need to choose ten people to tag and list their names.

So, here are my ten weird, random, little known facts or habits about myself.

1. In relationships, it's inevitable that people fail me or I fail them, and wish we could shut each other out. But either way, I don't burn bridges. In most cases, I just don't cross the bridge. (this can be another topic for another blog time)
2. I am musophobic.
I have this fear in mice/rats. They get me extremely hysterical, they could kill me! In fact they almost did when I was still in my mother's womb. A rat startled mommy that caused her to bleed quite profusely. The doctor gave my precious life an ultimatum. If wednesday comes that the bleeding still doesn't stop, she has to scrape me out. Tuesday, the bleeding stopped... So yeah, my life is meant to be.
3. My first aspiration was to become a nun.
One day, mommy had a chit chat with the mother superior (in our school). And for whatever reason, she sorta bragged that "oh, my daughter wishes to become a nun. She must be a saint in the making!". Then the mother superior went up to me, encouraged me a little more to pursue this dream. And in front of my adviser, she attested that she's been seeing me frequenting the chapel. She LIED! I barely go to the chapel. Well, that made me changed my mind. Not only lawyers are liars. Nuns, too.

4. Speaking of lawyer.. If there's any regret or "if only" in my life, maybe that is, not following my dream to become a lawyer.

5. My first love will always be dancing. And I can say that "first love never dies".

6. I love Rainy days. If you happen to have watched the movie "One Fine Day", the weather in that movie can best describe my perfect day. Windy and drizzling all day.

7. I love Fall.
I live in a tropical place wherein rainy or sunny can only be the choice, and I've never experienced fall (or winter, or spring) in my life. But I love fall! The color of the leaves. Orange, yellow, magenta, purple! Fall affects me in a happy kind of way. Kahit sa picture lang..

8. The saying that "silent water runs deep" isn't true in my case.
You can call me a hyperactive teen-ager/kid (note: I am far from that picture now. I've grown to be so demure .. heheh). I was always in the list of noisy girls in class. I laugh and talk a lot. I run around seemingly restless. And you can hate or love me for this. To those who only know me skin-deep, I may appear shallow-headed. But I am a surprise because I am more than that to those people who really know me inside out. At my young age, my human understanding is already broad. Friends come up to me for advice or simply talk about life (almost dissecting life)... I had a friend/roommate who's twelve years older than me. She said she finds me very mature. I think maturely (daw) than other kids my age... So, in my case, noisy water can run deep, too.

9. I fear to be old, wrinkled, and ugly. I am trying to learn to come in terms with this reality.

10. Motherhood did not come so easy for me. After I gave birth to my first born, I suffered from depression for a long time. Was it the hormones? Or did I find it hard to say goodbye to my youth and freedom? (another topic for another blog time).

For the eleventh...
I break rules. So, instead of ten, I'm tagging everybody. Please feel free to add this to your blog.

TAKE UP YOUR CROSS

2009-03-13T10:19:00.014+08:00

photo credit

A mere thought of needle pricking can chicken me out. I cringe at the onset of displeasures. I get tempted to run away from problems. Oh these things we call CROSSES! Disputes, sickness, poverty, traffic jam, bad weather. And if I could choose, I'd rather take up the lightest of the crosses. Or none at all. But more often than not, we don't choose on what crosses we want to carry. They're just thrown at us. Nonetheless, we can decide on how to handle them. And that's what makes the difference.

If I have to be asked about the cross I'm carrying right now, it's this autocratic, power maniac I know. She is my cross (and everybody else's)! I'd rather not go down the list of my grievances. Talking about them would only reap negative feelings but doesn't solve anything. I can just describe how I see her in my own eyes. In my eyes, she is oftentimes a beastly thing with its long curvy pair of horns, sharp, pearly white fangs and a tail. In some occassional instances, she reaches out my distance. Those times, she appears to be a cuddly, harmless puppy with its fluffy ears and wagging tail. But, "oh don't be deceived!", I warn myself...seriously.

It's easy to hate her because she is hateful. But I try to go beyond what I can see. Her inferiority complex hiding behind the arrogance. Her trying to use people to fill up her low self esteem. Beyond what I can see is a pitiful sight of inner struggle and brokenness. Sometimes I try compassion instead of hatred. Well, easier said than done. But I don't stop trying.

To love the loveable is effortless. To love the unloveable is virtue..

Am I being a cross for another person? Am I making life difficult for somebody else? Heck, I'm no saint and I can be bitchy sometimes. So once in awhile I do some double checking. I could be the villain of another person's life story and I might never know. That's scary..

STILLNESS

2009-02-24T10:49:00.012+08:00

How can meditation tidy up a cluttered mind, or teach an old dog a new trick? How can mantra, the chanting, do something to our soul? And how can meditation let go of the ego? Things about meditation seems unfathomable. I guess no book can make me understand unless I go through meditation myself.

How is it to be selfless? Sometimes it gets tiresome to live in this egocentric world. Of this crowd clamoring for recognition and power. Of wanting to outsmart one another. Of being hurt and wanting to hurt back. We all run around playing an unsynchronized orchestra. No wonder, we are such a noisy world. Yet, this noisy, clamoring crowd is nothing but a reflection of my inner crowd. This inner crowd, my broken self playing out of tune.

Many times I try to play my music the best way I can. But I have not perfected it that every time I encounter people playing their music out of tune, I start to play out of tune myself. And so the unsynchronized orchestra starts over again.

There must be something better in life than this. Can meditation help me play my instrument a little better each day? Until I could play it easy and effortless. Because however small, playing my music in harmony can make a difference in the orchestra I belong.

I am listening to this radio program at Radio Veritas every sunday entitled Sacred Space on the Air sponsored by the Dominican Sisters of Regina Rosarii. Listen how they talk about contemplative prayer, meditation, and the healing sound.
regina rosarii website

DOES IT RHYME?

2009-02-02T13:39:00.017+08:00

I started out writing together with my (two) friends. But the word "together" makes it inaccurate. They write and they share their writings to me, while I write but keep my writings just for myself. I was not sharing, so I was not "together" with them. The thing is, they write in poetry.. I DON'T. And that made me feel insecure. Somehow I felt that my own writings were second best. If words don't rhyme, then they ain't good enough! So I clammed up. I continued writing just for myself. Attempted to write poems but failed many times. Actually, I was able to write a few. But it didn't pass even my very own amateur yardstick. It's either I'm not really good at it or I'm just not into it. It's not a liberating experience for me when my thoughts are confined in rhymes and meters. So I gave up poetry. I just contented myself in reading my friends' writings. Reading their poems was my favorite pastime then. I miss those days... Good memories.

I remained writing free flowingly. Ironically, sometimes, I am able to write poems with no intentions. Just recently, I shared one of my writings to a friend. Then I was so surprised when she uttered "Very nice poem. Beautiful!". What poem? I don't know how to make one! But she insisted it was a poem.

Here's another one that I wrote years back. It was not meant to be a poem but seems that it turned out to be one as well. Funny that I can actually make it when I'm not trying.
SONG

photo credit

IT'S A FAMILIAR SONG THAT I SANG FROM A BROKEN PAST. THEN I STOPPED WHEN SINGING IT HAS BEEN KILLING ME DOWN. I HAVE QUASHED IT SOMEWHERE I WOULD HEAR IT NO MORE. SUBDUED DEEP DOWN THAT NOT A SINGLE MELODY WAS ALLOWED TO STRUM IN MY HEART. I LIVED FAR FROM IT. SERENELY. UNHARMED. AND WENT ON WITH MY DAYS SINGING A DIFFERENT SONG. THEN ONE DAY I HEARD IT ALL BREAKING LOOSE. THE SONG, SO BEAUTIFUL, SO REAL, AND SO PAINFUL. THE OLD FAMILIAR SONG, AGAIN, SINGING THROUGH MY VEINS. REACHING MY HEART WITH ITS POISON CHARM. WEAKENED AND STRANGLED ME WITH ITS SUAVE, KILLING TONE. ENCHAINED AND IMPRISONED ME IN A PLACE FROM MY PAST....
I AM NOT SINGING YOU NOW AND NEVER AGAIN. I AM SINGING ANOTHER TUNE, SO PLEASE LET ME BE..

PAGKAING BINABALIK-BALIKAN (My Homecoming II)

2009-01-22T13:52:00.020+08:00

There are foods that I keep coming back for. Foods that I associate with my childhood. And I see to it that everytime I visit home, I get to taste each one of them. Every munch, I savor memories!.. hmmm, heaven...

TOASTED SIOPAO
It's hubby's favorite as well. I'm not sure if this recipe has originated in Naga, but I don't know of any place that sells toasted siopao. Well, good news for toasted siopao lovers in Manila , I heard that Naga Garden Resto has a branch in Market! Market!. They made toasted siopao within our reach now.
PINANGAT
Gabi leaves stuffed with dinikdik na hipon, young coconut, ground pork and cooked in coconut milk. Yummy!

GINATAANG LAMBO (Labong) with clams (shelled)
Siblings favorite! My sisters and brother.. we all crave for this!
LOGLOG
(looks like mami but the distinction is in the sauce)
Who doesn't love loglog?!! Eaten with maruya and softdrinks? Ah, perfect!

BINU-TONG
Malagkit na rice with coconut milk

Some prefer it as is. I prefer it with sugar. Coffee or hot chocolate goes perfectly with it!

CHEESE BURGER @ BIGGS
I used to love their cheeseburgers with the cheese stuffed inside the patties, and you can feel the cheese melting in your mouth. Heaven! That's how they used to do it. And the memories that goes with eating them are priceless. Biggs was our barkada's favorite tambayan and we don't fail to order their cheeseburgers. During my college days, sometimes I go to Biggs before school. Munching cheeseburger while studying. My alone time. It was a very relaxing thing for me.

'Til another food trip at home!

MY HOMECOMING ( Part I )

2009-01-19T10:29:00.059+08:00

Last year, I had this great longing to visit home. Maybe because life was a little rude then, and I wanted to run to the place of my comfort and where, subconsciusly, makes me feel shielded... and HOME.

And finally, I had my homecoming during the holiday. Initially, it was a real home sweet home for me. Until the weather had to screw it up!! Yeah, it was cold and cozy, but it rained all the time and I had to put off some plans, like, take some photos of our city in different "angles", visit my alma mater in college (Ateneo de Naga) because I treasure a lot of wonderful memories there, visit my dad's graveyard, etc..

So, here goes some pics to help me make my story-telling a lot easier.

Photos taken at Avenue Square while sharing some coffee time with friends
Dined out and had some coffee time late in the evening with my two girl friends, Gay and Tess. We dined at the Red Platter along Magsaysay Avenue. I took photos of their yummy foods but I want you to see few ineteresting details of their interior designs, instead..

The place is very cozy. Looks like a country home ( I wish to achieve this kind of interior design in my own house). It's used to be a house, now turned into a resto. And the food was superb, let me not forget to say that!

Night life is great in Naga City! We stayed out till 1 am.

I miss the rest of our barkada. Wish we can all go home together and have a grand vacation.

Lunch out at Chef Doy's with Cecile few days after. Cecile and I were batch mates in highschool but never had the chance to mingle with one another. We again went to the same school in college, and there we became friends.

The foods at Chef Doy's was a so so. But maybe I should give them the benefit of the doubt. A second try, maybe.

But these pastries at Kopiroti are incredibly luscious which Cecile gave me as a treat after our lunch date! Thanks Cecile!

KOPIROTI

my highschool alma mater
I had the chance to shoot the facade of my alma mater (from elem. to highschool), Universidad de Sta. Isabel ( Trivia: it's the first normal school for women in the Philippines and in Asia. Hence, the oldest school for girls in the country). In this school, I was taught how to behave like a lady. Taught about ethics and social graces. And yes, here, it was a survival of the fittest. Daming maldita! hahah. So you learn how to fight back. Well, that's something quite common with all girls . Oops, no offense. I love my school because here, I met my best friends for life!!

The white specks on the photo aren't snow flakes! They're just some tiny droplets from the drizzle.

Nick with lowa (lola..my mother) in Naga

Nick and her ate, Denise

And finally, back in the arms of my babes (hubby) after the vacation.

The year that was.

2009-01-12T08:54:00.020+08:00

In 2008, life moved me in different directions and sometimes reckless. At times I was made to ran fast. So fast while everything around me seemed to move in slow motion. At times I was spun around and left dazed. Shoved away from my comfort zone and thrown in a battlefield. It was not an easy battle but thank God it's over now. I was somewhat disoriented, but hey, still alive. Every warrior, good or bad (I was a good one, if I may say), won't leave the battlefield without bruises or scars. I have licked some wounds and I am healing now. I am glad the battle was over before the year ended. Won some and lost some, but definitely still a winner. 2008 was a rough year for me but still full of blessings.

I don't welcome 2009 with a big bang (Oh I've had enough from last year!). Instead, I embrace this new year with much serenity. My spiritual journey continues this 2009.

On with my pilgrimage...

PICS TO KEEP YOU COMPANY

2008-12-23T11:10:00.014+08:00

I'm caught in the middle of holiday rush!! So, I'm leaving you with some pics to keep you company for awhile. These are pics from our office christmas party where we got to wear cowboy/cowgirl attire. Hope the pics would suffice to tell the stories behind.

MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!

MY MOST FAVORITE TIME OF THE YEAR (my christmas past) II

2008-12-19T14:59:00.015+08:00

photo credit

(continuation...)

Christmas is the time when my present intertwines with my past. In this time, I get visited by the memories of my christmas from yesteryears. Everything around. The lights, the ornaments, the carols. And yes, the cold breeze. Each of them have stories to tell about my christmases gone by.

I was with my barkada looking up for some christmas CDs. I was talking giddily with the usual exclamation points in it. And I thought she was sharing my excitement. Then I asked her, aren't you buying one of those? No, she replied. But WHY??. "I don't like christmas. It makes me sad". I gave her a frown and rolled my eyes in disbelief! (Grinch, is that you?).

I know what she meant. There's a certain sadness about christmas... I guess it's the remembering that is sad.

But I love remembering my christmas past. When life was pure and happiness was always at hand, and when christmas seemed more christmasy. Then I remember the people. Some of them have left.. or just gone for some reasons not told. I smile. Most of them I already miss. Where could they be now? Will I ever see them again? And if I can jump right off my christmas past to experience them once more, then I will. But I can't. Then I can feel a sharp pain. A little pinch piercing through..

It's the remembering that is sad. But I don't mind if this is the only way that I can revisit these memories. I don't mind at all. And I guess it's the fragments from my christmas past that makes my present christmas more meaningful and ever so lovely and (bitter) sweet.

MY MOST FAVORITE TIME OF THE YEAR

2008-12-06T13:01:00.005+08:00

photo credit

It's a gloomy (late) afternoon. A gloomy weather indeed, but not for me. It cools me down but never brings me down!.. I can see calm rain shower from my glass window. So calm, I can hardly hear the pitter-patter on the roof top..Crisp breeze is flowing in. I sip my cup of coffee to keep me warm from the cold. Oh, how can it feel so lovely?..

Pasko na naman...I can smell it everywhere.. Christmas song is playing. The flickering lights on the christmas tree brighten up the dimming room. Blue, red, yellow, green all dancing by turns. Outshining one another. What could be nicer than this? This "happy gloom". The christmas songs. Flickering lights. They set my mood to plunge into my own pool of christmas thoughts. Oh yes. I'm oh-so sentimental about this season. That's what I am. Well, no one's complaining about it from my family members. Not just yet, maybe (Grin!). I guess when I'm gone, christmas time would keep reminding them about me (Oh that christmas fool!).

Alone with this beauty, it kept me thinking. And thinking.. What is christmas for me? Strange for a self-proclaimed christmas lover to not being able to give out an answer that is completely hers. I guess there's no description that encompasses the bliss of this season. It's ineffable. Maybe, great emotions really are beyond the bounds of words. They only stay in the heart.There's one answer, though, that can come close to what christmas really is for me...

CHRISTMAS IS THE TIME WHEN MY PRESENT INTERTWINES WITH MY PAST.

(to be continued...)

Carla and her red-eared turtle!

2008-11-24T13:32:00.033+08:00

This is "Darling", the fascinating, teeny weeny turtle. We met this turtle with its equally fascinating owner, Carla, while we were strolling around Greenbelt Chapel. Denise (my daughter) and Gemma (our kasambahay) was so thrilled to see "Darling". We all were!..

I forgot to ask Carla whether this cutie-pie was a he or a she. "Darling" was not even a name but an endearment. Well, that's how it was explained to me by Carla. So, Darling was a red-eared slider turtle with no name and gender!

In this photo, I was prodding Darling to walk towards Gemma's hand. "Tingnan mo, kinakausap ka nya!", Carla said. It was staring back at me and blinked its eyes. It communicates through its eyes. Blinking it once means YES, and twice means NO (or vice versa, I think). Carla was one proud owner of Darling. "Intelligent siya at napakabait". Of course it's mabait! What could a tiny turtle do to harm us? hehe.. I may sound sarcastic, yeah, but it's more of a joke. I actually loved them both. Together, they emanate good feelings!

"DARLING" on the safe hands of Carla

On CARLA:

Carla was such a sweet, cute and all-smile lady. I guess, like Darling, she fascinated me too in a different, happy kind of way. Her being a turtle lover (she has 2 turtles and let them sleep on her bed at night) and her being such a regular church-goer fascinated me. She goes to Greenbelt Chapel almost everyday (and of course to stroll Darling around).

Then, she offered to give me The Face but unfortunately she didn't have one that time. It's the bleeding face of Christ, she explained. "Marami na akong nabigyan nyan". And most of them went back to her and claim some miracles happened in their lives after receiving The Face .. I was skeptical.

But you know what the miracle is? It's meeting her (and Darling) that day and making us play with her pet and making me feel like a giddy child once again. And it's her genuine, sweet smile plastered on her face all of the time that stirred me to smile back at a stranger like her. Those were simple miracles. I don't know, Carla must have sprayed some happy potion in the air. I was happy for some reason. Maybe she was contagious...

Then I went inside the chapel and said a little prayer for sweet Carla and her teeny-weeny turtle.

YOU OUGHT TO KNOW HOW LIFE IS

2008-11-18T15:58:00.013+08:00

The Tree of Life

While I'm brooding in my own corner, things about LIFE is stirring up my mind..

I've reached this age when I must think I have seen enough. Won some. Lost some. Done this. Done that. Befriended life and many times messed up with it. I've seen enough and there must be no way that life can knock me off my feet just as it did with me when I haven't known enough. I must have mastered my own life now even with my eyes closed.

But one cannot master life in a lifetime. Just when we start to believe that we are now in control, life would throw something on our lap that would scare us and make us lose our balance. And just how it used to be, we are caught by surprise. Clueless of what life has to bring.

One cannot fully master life for life won't run out of things to teach us. Our age may be adding up but life will always treat us like a child who needs to learn, relearn and unlearn.. Trust Life. That no matter how many times it knocks us off our feet, it has ALWAYS (and always) its way of taking care of itself. Trust Life that no matter how it gets messed up, it has its way of putting things into place. And as long as we won't forget that God is in the details, we'll be fine.
photo credit

When UNDAS meant a different thing

2008-11-04T10:41:00.021+08:00

All Souls day is my favorite time of the year ( next to christmas and new year), and it's a shame that I let it passed without writing anything about it.

When did I start loving it? Well, since my parents would prepare a banquet for our dearly departed while saying a prayer for their good souls. While we (siblings) would try to peek at the dining table and try to convince ourselves that somebody's eating the foods (!!!). Souls must not be eating too much. They hardly touch the foods. But take a closer look. There's a little bite over there. See it?? With our eyes so wide open!.. But of course our eyes knew otherwise. We're just trying to scare ourselves.

But I began to love All Souls day in a different kind of way during my teen age years. It became more than just a day for the souls, but also a "reunion" for our barkada.

Our friends studying in Manila goes home for the sem break and that makes us almost complete before Nov 1 comes. Well, we're a big group, we barely get completed (we're more than 20 in our group).. Sa sementeryo ang aming tipanan! Before bar hopping became an IN thing, sementeryo hopping was already a "fashion" that we do every undas. It's a festive ambiance in cemeteries. Ideal to loiter around searching for some NPA (Nice People Around)! -- mga crush ng bayan and campus heart throbs, the ex-bfs and ex-flings, and some good old friends (from highschool) that we kinda lost along the way. It's an all-night party! Everybody is invited, dead or alive! To top it all, I have my friends with me, and that's what makes undas oh so special !

Before the night ends, real bonding time is just beginning especially for the girls. We go to a friend's house, and there we sleepover. Share stories and strengthen our friendship a little bit more. We talk and REALLY talk until the wee hours, and up to the last drop of our energy! Nocturnal that we were!

Our friends are scattered all over now. In the US, in Naga, and I'm the only one that stays in Manila. There are some attempts that we go home one All Souls Day for another grand "reunion". But with our respective priorities in life now, I don't know if it's still possible for us to be all together again. I miss them, really. Although we'd always be with each other in spirit through our (yahoo) egroup, I still wish to reunite with them in flesh as well.

Those were the days, and maybe "reunion" in undas would not happen again. For now, it is but a wishful thinking... 'til next undas.

AFTER THE CROSSROADS

2008-10-31T08:40:00.012+08:00

I came across this old post (for easter) from my old blog:
-o-o-o-o-o-
While easter speaks of resurrection, I was coming from the opposite direction. I was whirled up, high and around. Now, I am waiting to come down.. slowly, and hopefully with care. I have journeyed this way for quite long, it has left me dazed. Sometimes disoriented. I don't know what I have become. I have relied on egoism. Casted my energy to competition. Maybe so to survive..
When does a child loses her innocence? The moment she thinks of competition... In this side of my world, things have not moved on to easter.
-o-o-o-o-o-

This was me at the height of the muddle. Now that I have chosen the road to tread, things have turned calm and placid in this side of my world.

On that note, I'm signing off for some few days lang naman. It's halloween time! Fully booked ang scheds for the occassion!

The game called PROMOTION

2008-10-27T10:19:00.036+08:00

IN THE BATTLEFIELD I CALL MY WORKPLACE, THERE IS A GAME CALLED PROMOTION. EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE A PLAYER. PLAYERS DIE TO DO THE HOMERUN NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES. SOMEBODY IS KNOCKED OFF, ELBOWED, KNEED AND BRUISED. BUT NOBODY CALLS A FOUL...

IN PROMOTION, SPORTSMANSHIP IS NOT THE WAY THEY DO IT. THERE'S NO GOOD LOSER, NEITHER A GRACIOUS WINNER. EVERYTHING IS FORGOTTEN ESPECIALLY THE VALUE OF FRIENDSHIP. THERE IS NO DELIKADESA. THERE'S ONLY I, ME AND MINE... I SAW A GAME OF PROMOTION. AND IT WAS A GAME TURNED INTO A TRAGEDY. I AM DAMN GLAD I WASN'T PART OF THAT GAME. BUT WHEN IT'S MY TURN TO PLAY IT, I VOW TO PLAY IT FAIR AND SQUARE. SO HELP ME GOD.

I wrote these lines a year ago. But just recently, I took part in this game of Promotion. I have been promoted as the Supervising Officer... So, who was elbowed, kneed and bruised? ..

It's so hard to be at a crossroads. I thank my hubby and my mom for standing by me.
(note: some parts omitted by the author)

ANDOY

2008-10-21T16:07:00.020+08:00

This is Andoy..
Few weeks back, he was featured in Rated K, Channel 2 hosted by Korina Sanchez. This is the same Andoy that we met when we visited Callao Cave (Peñablanca, Cagayan) during our road trip to Northern Luzon. He was our "spokening dollar" tour guide, and he really speaks well in english! Okay then, maybe those are just memorized lines taught to him by the Department of Tourism (wherein he got trained to be a tour guide). So we pushed him more to speak english by asking him questions outside the context of his "comfort zone" (the Callao cave). And he successfully answered our queries, and in straight english! We learned some details about his life during our question and answer portion... He stays with his lolo ( I forgot whether he mentioned about his father living with them). He has foster parents from Hawaii who helps out with his studies. They plan to bring him to Hawaii someday. He wants to be a lawyer. And when asked why, "Because I want to prove that not all lawyers are liars!", goes his famous line. "How much have you earned today from your tour guiding?", we went on prying. He earned more than 1000Php for that day. Not bad eh (summer is peak season). And he's going to use that money to buy materials for the upcoming school year... Andoy is driven by his dreams. Such an intelligent boy. I pray that he stays that way.

The thing is, Andoy was more amusing and unforgettable than the Callao Cave.

And here's a glimpse of our road trip to Northern Luzon:

AN OLD MAN REMINDED ME

2008-10-14T14:07:00.030+08:00

I was alone in the room while the rest of my officemates were upstairs for a program. A retired BIG BOSS came to pick up his monthly pension. I was taken aback. Trying to figure out what seemed to be wrong with the picture before me. I looked intently at his now very old, worn out face and his unproperly buttoned suit. Oh, he was a heart-rending sight! I can hardly grasp any of his words but I understood that he had a stroke few months ago.... "But sir, the vouchers are not yet processed. But it will surely be done this week." I saw the frustration written all over his face. "But, it is usually out this time of the month", he insisted. "Sir" I tried to explain "there was a little delay in the release of funds. But I assure you it will be released not later than friday". He looked at me, as if waiting for me to announce that everything was a joke. I was trying to find words to suffice his confusion. Words to ease his desperation. But he just stood there as if waiting for my punchline. Hay..If it was a joke, it surely wasn't funny. He was staring at me straight with his tired and weary eyes. And he turned his back. Walked slowly and sadly away from me. Oh my..I guess the old man badly needed his money. For his medication. Therapy, maybe. I don't know..He was tearing me apart.

Life, it is ...

He used to have a bubbly spirit. Such a brilliant mind. A big boss in control of the world. But look at him now, almost losing everything. His youth, health, wealth. His power. And soon, maybe even his brilliant mind. He had everything that the world can offer. And looking at him, he manifests the truth that everything in life indeed is fleeting. And though these lines are commonplace, everything in this world boils down to this reailty. I feel sorry for the old man, but I surely thank him for reminding me how I should live my own life. That I shouldn't be so attached with the world. That at the end of it all, I will be losing everything. And what will be left of me is my soul and how well I was able to nourish it. And at the dusk of my life, I will have nothing but my soul faced before my God.

photo credit: lefion
o LOREN

It's beginning to look a lot like CHRISTMAS!

2008-10-08T14:43:00.013+08:00

My kids helped me out in decorating this tree. They were having such a great time especially my five-year old boy (Nick). Hubby was a mere spectator. He may be as excited but it didn't show. Well, hubby knew from the start how I'm crazy about christmas. Though he may not understand why my passion about this season can sometimes be a little overstated (listening to christmas songs almost all year round), but he tolerates me and kinda love me that way. When I'm gone (for whatever reason), he'll gonna miss me in christmas. And he agrees.

Here's my niece appreciating my christmas tree. Oh, it isn't as perfect as my dream christmas tree, but I'll gonna start to change things up a bit from year to year. I usually just pile on all the ornaments. Maybe next christmas, I'll start to choose a color palette. Or maybe I'll start this year.

YOU OUGHT TO KNOW..(coffee matters) -1

2008-10-03T14:10:00.009+08:00

Too much coffee can trigger headache. However, coffee can help relieve the symptoms if you drink it in the very early stage of headache. Caffeine constrict blood vessels. It helps counter the painful effect when blood vessels dilate in the head.
When added to pain medication (ibuprofen), it can help improve their absorption and increases their pain killing effect..I suffer from migraine quite often especially during my monthly period (menstrual migraine) and I have tried it several times already. Oftentimes, it has saved my day from my excruciating, agonizing headache! Try it yourself.

YOUR CHILDREN ARE NOT YOUR OWN

2008-09-24T09:23:00.005+08:00

The story of this girl from my last post (re: the accidental lawyer. I choose not to disclose her identity) has struck me real hard. I guess because I am a parent, myself. It made me look in. How am I doing as a parent? How am I "imposing" it (my parenting) to my kids?

Before I became a mother, I had this ideal child in mind. I have envisioned the way I'm going to raise her (her.. yes, I have envisioned a daughter). Set up the rules and regulations that she's going to conform to. She's a human being given under my custody. I have to mold her right! What she will become will be a reflection of how good or bad parent I am. So, I was a little hard on my first born, my daughter. She was a victim of my standard of "perfection". That's why, I guess at one point, I might have not handled this little, fragile creature so very well. I'm afraid I might have caused some little bruises with her self-esteem everytime I push her to always do good especially with her studies (she's a consistent honor student). I plead guilty. So with my second born, I was more lenient.

Parents tend to mold their children according to their image and likeness. I hope we get to be reminded.. we are not gods.

On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable

(my precious kids, Denise and Nick)

THE ACCIDENTAL LAWYER

2008-09-24T09:02:00.012+08:00

She stays out after dusk and goes home before dawn. Sunshine might be an unfamiliar glare for her. For the only shine that constantly gleams her sight are those from the street glows or the array of neon colors from bar lights. She goes partying every night with her friends. A flock with the same feathers like hers.
Energy gushes in and out of her soul. A fun-lover! A carefree spirit!.. Stifle her, or she'll wither.
She comes from a family which could have believed that they are dynasty of "Abogado de Campanillas". So her parents thought that she must be raised to be one. Going to Law school was imposed on her.

Being a lawyer may be in her blood, yet it was not implanted in her heart. She scorns the very thought of it. But wanting to please her parents, she went to Law School .. not knowing that it will start to gnaw her life.

She studied in the top Law School of the land. These four years in law school devastated her. She was compelled to do something she hates. No more partying. No more fun. "I don't belong in this place", she thought. Like a tropical species uprooted and forced to survive in North Pole.

Wanting to please her parents, she went on and finished Law. At last, all her agony is paying off... But then, she failed the Bar exam.

She fell into deep depression. She cannot disappoint her parents this way. So, all her remaining ardor, she tried the bar exam the second time.This time she passed. But just to realize that her real agony is just starting.

How can she handle her first case? What if she loses? She cannot displease her mom and dad that way! She realized, from that day onward, her life should be spent in winning cases. And she realized, from that day onward, she will be leading a life she detests. A life to please. A life in possession by other people..Then she decided to just end it all and took her own life. A life that is not already hers, anyway.

She was stifled. And she withered.

Peñafrancia Fiesta

2008-09-17T13:22:00.010+08:00

photo credit: tonyo (aquing ritratista)

Bicolanos have this undying devotion to the Nuestra Señora de Peñafrancia, our "Ina". Millions of devotees come to Naga to celebrate the fiesta. Bukas bisperas na! And by this time, I'm sure the merry making is now at its peak. I was supposed to go home for fiesta, but I have to re-sched my 'homecoming' for another time (maybe this christmas). It's been a long while now. I miss going home for fiesta.. Or could it be, I simply miss HOME right now? I don't know. I guess I'm having the symptoms of "melancholy" these days. And this fiesta celebration is rubbing it in.

More about Peñafrancia festival here .

LOSING A FRIEND

2008-09-10T13:25:00.000+08:00

IMs popped up all at the same time as my sister opened her Yahoo Messenger. They all came from her friends back home... "DORIS IS GONE".. Basically what the messages conveyed. She must know someone with that name. Tried hard enough to remember for some Doris(es) in her life. Even tried some denial (our mind's coping mechanism to expel the unacceptable) but availed her nothing. She doesn't know any Doris... except her bestfriend.

How can Doris leave in such a cruel manner?
Three months ago before she left for Canada, they had a little misunderstanding. My sister left the country without saying goodbye to her. No chat sessions followed (which they usually enjoy doing when they're apart), and deliberately did not greet Doris on her birthday. But Doris is now gone forever. They will never have the chance to talk anymore. Maybe patch up their misunderstanding which is so puny, it's undeserving to let it harm their friendship.. She will terribly miss the outpour of her happy disposition. Her giggles. Her endless story-telling.. All about her! Doris' death is completely hard to comprehend.. My sister broke down. Cried for hours. And for days.

MORALE OF THE STORY:

- Don't ever let any misunderstanding get in the way to any good relationships
-Life is too short. Don't take your loved ones for granted. You'll never know how many or little is left in our lifetime.

I can't imagine the same story happening to me. One of my barkadas, dead. That's totally out of the picture! Purely insane! Yet.. very much a reality. I so love these people. The people who have grown up with me. From my pretentious teen-age life until becoming comfortable in my own skin. From taking baby steps (after graduation) so we can find our place in the real world(corporate world/adult world). Until having to teach our own kids with their baby steps too so they can learn to walk in life on their own (family life/parenthood)... I have journeyed with them. And I just can't imagine one of them gone in my life forever.

( my friends, below) diamonds I have stumbled upon...

THE LOVE SO DIVINE

2008-09-10T13:24:00.003+08:00

Have you ever felt the LOVE so Divine when it overflows your whole being? Seldom that it comes. But when it does, it travels through your heart at its very core. It weakens you but so beautifully! And it's hard to contain, it has to spring forth. It breaks away, forming some little droplets called tears.....Sometimes that's how I feel when I'm in the presence of the Divine Love. He embraces me. He makes me taste even just a very little bit of heaven here on earth. It's a wonderful feeling. It's amazing beyond compare.

Photo credit: electricboo

My JOURNAL. MY SANCTUARY.

2008-09-04T09:35:00.004+08:00

The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.—J.M. Barrie, THE LITTLE MINISTER (1891)

I vow to keep track of my life by keeping a diary (yes, this blog). Go back to some significant part of the past, dwell in my present, and look forward to the future if I possibly can. But words are blocked lately. This is the time when the well runs dry. Groping, juggling, quenching for words but nothing can seem to depict my thoughts.. Damn frustration!

Keeping a journal is keeping trail of my Self.. In each words I write down, it’s looking at myself in another person’s eyes . This time, objectively and free from partiality. I can see with much clarity my joy, pain, mistake or a job well done. Outside of myself looking in, I can have a better view if there is a need for a bigger or smaller room in my life. A renovation or maybe an overhauling. Outside looking in, I can have an honest to goodness account of my values or habits and account of the people I have allowed to enter within the premises of my life. If there’s too many people and too much to handle, and if there’s a need to pull out the bad weeds to save the good ones ( Or if I need few, tolerable bad weeds so I can eventually grow and learn from them. In real life, few bad weeds are not bad enough. They give us strength of character. Or compassion. Or simply understanding human nature )… This way, I can understand myself a little each day. And in each day of understanding is an inch by inch closer to my real Self.In this day and age, life can just pass us by so quickly. In a flick, we can lose track of ourselves. What a waste of time. So I slow down and write down my life or simply my thoughts. This is one of the moments that I know I'm living and not just merely existing.For these reasons, I’m keeping a journal. And hey, life is too short. I don’t want to miss a thing.
Photo credit: josh

COFFEE ALAMID

2008-09-02T13:18:00.003+08:00

"Coffee Alamid is Philippine Civet Coffee from wild civet droppings on the different forest floors of Philippine mountains. The Paradoxorus Philippinensis is a civet which belongs to the mongoose family - a nocturnal animal which uses its nose to choose the ripest and sweetest coffee cherries and relentlessly eats them during coffee season. Gathered very early in the morning usually before the sun rises, the forest dwellers climb the mountain and pick the civet droppings on the forest floors. On a good day, a gatherer can collect one kilo of civet droppings .
Coffee Alamid is a blend of the Philippine's finest Arabica, Liberica and Exelsa beans. When roasted, it exudes an almost musical, fruity aroma. It has a strong, sweet , dark chocolatey taste that is perfect for that morning kick or high power meetings. Definitely a clean cup."
SOURCE: arengga.com
CREDIT IMAGE : andy_atsaka

Coffee Alamid (civet coffee), the most expensive coffee in the world selling between $120-$600 per pound. It must taste like heaven so as to cost us this much. But knowing that these are coffee berries came from cat poop, would you try to have a sip? eeeeewww...

DESIDERATA

2008-09-01T14:16:00.001+08:00

Finally, I have once again heard DESIDERATA played on the radio ( at RJFM) . And, man, how it made me fall into utter silence! I was amidst the city noise and chaos (I was in a public vehicle) but I was as if sitting there alone, shielded of serenity. I can hear the hustle and bustle but it remained behind the background leaving me completely untouched. The people around me were in the middle of the city street, and I was in the middle of euphoria listening to a godly created poem. I usually hear it on the radio when I was a kid. Desiderata, recited by a man with a god-like voice. But I never understood it, then. When I reached highschool, that's when it became my favorite that I have absorbed the teeny weeniest bit of its message. But it was somehow forgotten. I may have put it aside when I was accumulating some non-essentials in my life. Now, I have rediscovered Desiderata and I won't ever let it go once more. DESIDERATA (desideratum) which means something desired as necessary. No one knew who wrote it. Others have said that it was authored by a poet Max Ehrmann. But he (Max Ehrmann) said in his book that this document was discovered on a plaque installed at St. Paul's Church in Baltimore and was lost, but again rediscovered. But I say, it came from an unknown force which is God and have used somebody ( maybe Max Ehrmann) as a receptacle so it can reach each and every one of us. A single masterpiece, yet all encompassing. As one writer said, it contains infinity. A dewdrop that contains all the ocean.

DESIDERATA
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career,
however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952

COCOONED

2008-08-29T10:40:00.000+08:00

Credit Image: bluedrakon

When the outside has been giving you more than you can take. When you're pushed and pulled in all directions. When scenes are moving too hastily. And when everything else seems to fail... You always have yourself to go back to. Shut out everything and cocooned in your own protection. For while the outside of you sometimes is not in your full grasp, only in the inside can you be in control.. Until you are ready to face the world again. But until then, you stay in the comfort of your own cocoon. It can be surprisingly too comforting that you wish to stay there for a much longer time... And who knows 'til when..

Too many candles to blow!

2008-08-27T13:54:00.001+08:00

My birth month is ending and I hardly noticed. B-day greetings, a one- day feast at home, a KFC treat for my officemates, and nothing made a difference. After all, what is there to celebrate for getting another year older?? All I know is the panicky feeling in keeping a tight grip of any remaining youth that is left of me. And sooner than later, I'd be wrinkled.. and ugly.. and all other things that my vanity can barely accept!

Though one day I'd be wrinkled and undesirable for the world to see, but one day it wouldn't matter. Because the essence of living is to be desirable in the eyes of God. And, THAT, I have to convince myself! (hehe)..

For this month of my birth, let me answer the same question we were asked during our batch reunion... WHAT AM I AND WHAT HAVE I BECOME?

Well, aside from my occasional problems in vanity, I have gone this far in life happy and at peace.

More than three decades gone by, I certainly have gone wiser. But it's not wise to think that I'm all that wiser. There will always be mistakes committed along the way, but that's okay. A mistake committed is an opportunity to reap for another wisdom.In every digit added up to my age, I have gone wiser ENOUGH to discover that to "decrease yourself" is the key to real happiness. Taking ourselves highly and prized, massage our egos so constantly, and always feeling the need to "fight for our rights". Oh they sure are perfect ways to hurts and lack of inner peace... Fighting for my rights. I have this inner struggle. Can't tolerate "injustice" and the hell, I will stick to my gun! PRIDE corrupts me. But slowly, I'm perfecting how it is not to sweat the small stuff...

I have learned to "Increase God" and take the limelight away from myself. I am born for God, not for myself. So let it be. From time to time, in my enlightened moments, I have seen the truth in this. In this aspect, I still have so much to explore.

I now understand what my mom told us that hearts don't grow old. I was too young to comprehend, then. I just thought it was an amazing thing to hear. Now, I'm getting more gray hair popping out my crowning glory. I have fine lines that, thank God, I can still manage to minimize. But my heart still feels so young. With all its scars and brokenness, it still feels brand new. Amazing indeed!

It's comforting enough to know that I'm heading on the right track. I am a work in progress..
I guess I'm fine. So, happy birthday to myself!

Let's sit and and talk awhile

2008-08-22T14:12:00.000+08:00

This is my blog, my little coffee nook. Though it moves and revolves around my life story and does not talk actually about coffee all the time (from time to time, yes), but it will constantly have the feel, the look and the smell of a cozy coffee nook. Latte, cappuccino, mocha, macchiato.. name it. They burst their lingering aroma here, and just so heavenly!

Sipping coffee with friends can be the best way to make conversations. Even gloomy stories turn out to be a little less so... But for the meantime, friends don't know anything about my little coffee nook. One day they will. But for now , I choose to have my alone time here.. with a cup of coffee in hand. I am savoring the moment. Building a better relationship with myself. And maybe find a better version of me.. Eventually, and maybe soon enough, I will try to find new friends along the way. I don't hesitate to have some. After all, people gather around where coffee is. "Let's have coffee", we say... when we mean, "let's talk and catch up on each other's lives".

A COFFEE LOVE SONG, to begin with

2008-08-21T13:24:00.000+08:00

Falling in love at a coffee shop by Landon Pigg

I think that possibly, maybe I’m falling for you
Yes theres a chance that I’ve fallen quite hard over you.
I’ve seen the paths that your eyes wander downI want to come too
I think that possibly, maybe I’m falling for you
No one understands me quite like you do
Through all of the shadowy corners of me
I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much
All of the while I never knew
I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much
All of the while I never knew
I think that possibly, maybe I’m falling for you
Yes theres a chance that I’ve fallen quite hard over you.
I’ve seen the waters that make your eyes shine
Now I’m shining too
Because oh because
I’ve fallen quite hard over you
If I didn’t know you, I’d rather not know
If I couldn’t have you, I’d rather be alone
I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much
All of the while I never knew
I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much
All of the while, I never knew
All of the while , all of the while
It was you